Broken

I’m writing this from the psych ward at my local hospital so I suppose that explains why this piece is called “Broken.” I’ve been broken down to nothing mentally, physically and emotionally. I haven’t eaten in over 24 hours, I can’t pee without being supervised and I’ve just lost my boyfriend.
Rewind 24 hours and I was maybe functioning at 50%. I relied on the coping skills I did as a child; stand up and fight or hide. Last night I did both. Those coping skills are what destroys me and my relationships each and every time. Thanks dad. Although the crazy thing is, I’d almost prefer the beatings and bruises to feeling as unloved and worthless as I do right now. Which is what led to the suicidal ideation. Easy way out, right? Turns out it is fucking difficult to hang yourself and not save yourself at the brink of death. Each time I wish I wasn’t such a coward.